Where Am I?

Today I asked God, “Where are you?” But the better question is, “Where am I?” 

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m just doing what I can in order to survive, and to the point that I don’t recognize myself or where I am in life. I’m so used to recognizing others and being mindful o

f them, supporting them, teaching them, guiding them, encouraging them, empowering them, fighting for them, and on and on and on. But what about me? I don’t do half the stuff I do for others, for myself. Have I become a hypocrite? My eyebrows raise as I realize the gravity of my statement.

My lack of self-care and lack of self-compassion is causing me to resent what it is that I do for others. I’m starting not to care. But the truth is, I’m operating in life like it’s one or the other –care for others or care for myself– when in actuality it’s both and I can’t have one without the other. To care for others, I must care for myself because if I’m not okay then I’ll be ineffective at what I do because I won’t be my true self. Staying true to my identity is super important and I’ve gotten far away from that. But now that I’ve realized, I need to find my way back. So the answer to the question I asked earlier, “Where am I?” is that I am far away from my identity. And that is why I had trouble recognizing where God was, because we are one and the same. I know that might seem controversial to some, like I’m calling myself God or equal to Him. And that’s because there is no separation; that’s the nature of our relationship. I am in Him and He is in me. Where He goes, I follow and where I am, so is He (John 17:20-26). 

Sometimes, unknowingly, the responsibilities of life can get in the way. And when that happens I start to feel lost. I know my feelings aren’t always accurate so instead of focusing on the feeling, I try to discover what my feelings are telling me. And in this case, my feelings are sounding the alarm and telling me something is out of order. I’ve been focusing too much on others and now I’m out of whack. When I set things back in order of priority, then not only will I feel better, but I’ll actually be better because I’ll be my true authentic self again. God, me, others. That’s the order. That’s the priority. That’s the code for this system (me) to run as designed (by God).

List of things I can do for self-care:

-Worship God

-Eat good food, try new food

-Listen to music

-Dance even though I’m not good at it

-Read a book even though I’m likely to not finish it

-Write

-Watch basketball

-Play basketball

-Sing in the shower

-Put on perfume

-Shop for home decor

-Research

-Spend time with my dad

-Laugh on the phone with my best friend

-Watch a movie

-Lay in the pitch black dark

-Go hiking and stand on the heights of the hills

-Take photographs

-Design a t-shirt

-Style my clothes

-Spend time in the sun